Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
