Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There was a lot of him and a little penis
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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