I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
