connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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