Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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