I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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