I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
