SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
