I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just want to make out with him forever
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
