Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Randomize
