I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
