my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
