I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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