Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
