playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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