i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
