Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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