So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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