I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
