Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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