If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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