I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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