I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
