Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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