well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's shark week go big or go home
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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