i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
