my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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