I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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