PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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