Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Randomize
