it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
