Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
