woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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