why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
