I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
