If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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