I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
A bitchslap is in order.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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