dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
