Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
