oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
