I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
