I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
