I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
