Ambien. No doubt about it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
