Plan B is the new Plan A
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
