I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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