Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
