Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
