sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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