i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
no you cant smoke seaweed
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
