At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
