I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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