tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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