I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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