well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
