So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
