I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
